A Love Letter to the Non-Chronics
A love letter to the non-chronics,
Having a chronic illness isn’t easy, but neither is being there for a loved one going through it. After some research and personal reflection, here are the top five things we want you to know:
1. There is grief in losing our former selves.
Acceptance of a chronic illness is an incredibly hard thing. Chronic individuals go through some or all of the stages of grief — shock, denial, pain, guilt, anger, bargaining, and depression, sometimes revisiting them as our illnesses progress. Meeting us with a kind smile, open ears, and a loving heart goes a long way as we mentally work through the various ways our lives are constantly being impacted.
2. Our tired is not your tired.
There’s a huge difference between having a busy/long day and feeling like you are being dragged down into a grave. My chronic fatigue will make me sleep like the dead. Please try not to compare this fatigue to the everyday “sleepy” tired. Chronic fatigue is a deep, dragging, relentless exhaustion.
3. Just because we did something yesterday doesn’t mean we can do it today.
Sometimes our bodies work, and sometimes they don’t. Yesterday’s triumph doesn't guarantee today’s success. This does not mean we are faking. It means we are human, with unpredictable bodies that tire out and flare up faster. And I promise, this is much more frustrating for us than it is for you.
4. We appreciate check-ins and considerations.
I have a friend who puts all of my doctor’s appointments in her calendar so she can remind herself to check on me. My partner will calculate walking distances for events and activities. My family checks in often. These people are my anchors to sanity, and even the smallest gestures make me feel so loved.
5. Please let us come to you for advice.
We appreciate your willingness to help, but let us come to you for advice. The journey is already isolating; unsolicited advice just adds to the loneliness. Be our support, not our guide. If you want to read more about this from my point of view, feel free to check out my blog post: Blurry Boundaries and Unsolicited Advice.
And as always, be kind. As the saying goes: we’re all just walking each other home.
Be well,
Amanda
